Something in Your Eyes
by Zizichan96
Summary: Sebastian's guilt at Karofsky's suicide stems from a painful past; the person he was closest to committed suicide many years before, and return of these memories brings his control crashing down. But he finds support in the most unlikely place...the New Directions, and more importantly; Kurt.
1. Chapter 1

**Filll for this prompt on the GKM = _( inspired wholly by this: post/18123940222/glee-au-sebastians-reason-for-getting-involved )_**

_**Sebastian feels incredibly guilty for what happened to Karofsky, but for more reasons than what anyone can imagine. See, he's had someone close to him commit suicide before and he never wanted to experience a repeat of that with Dave. The last person who took their own life was his twin brother and it hit Sebastian as hard now as it did then.**_

_**That's why he left Paris. He couldn't bear to stay at the same school, same home, around the same things that constantly reminded him of his brother. (Same with why he's adopted the vicious attitude, maybe? He doesn't need to make any more friends when he's already lost the best friend he used to have)**_

_**When he tells this to Kurt & the New Directions kids, it comes as a surprise to him too. But they give him the support he needs and maybe help him make amends for what he's done. I'd like to see a friendship (AT THE VERY LEAST) come out of it, especially between Sebastian and Kurt (who now sees him in a very different light).**_

_**I wooould like to see **_**Sebastian/Kur****t**_** get together eventually, but gen fic is awesome too!**_

_**No extreme kinks if sex is included. I JUST WANT ALL THE ANGST.**_

**General Warnings: angst, suicide references, traumatic memories, bad/foul language, maybe a bit of violence, tears, may be explicit post-suicide discovery, terminal illnesses.**

* * *

**Chapter One**

The Lima Bean was bustling as usual; not particularly busy, but not empty either. The light, incessant, meaningless background noise of other people's lives swirled around him, completely unaware as usual. He sat, working at a maths exercise in mindless boredom as he waited. He knew that they'd arrive.

It was bare moments later when he was rewarded, his attention immediately grabbed by a familiar, bitchy tone.

"Let me break it down for you, from one bitch to another." The dark-haired girl in a red cheerleading uniform plonked herself down into the other chair at his small table, her expression hard and understandably pissed off.

"Um…" He tried, still not quite used to Santana's incredibly to-the-point-bitches attitude, but she didn't let him get a word in edgeways.

"All of this vicious, underhanded crap has got to stop." Santana snapped, Kurt, Blaine and Brittany standing behind her, a brigade of defence; all wearing defensive, angry expressions. He took a breath, steeling himself a little and trying to contain a wince at the memory of what he did to Blaine.

"Exactly. That's why I called you here." He could hear his voice, slightly choked, slightly off, and it was that more than anything else which made Santana's mouth drop a little in confusion, rather than his actual words. "First of all," He turned to Blaine, trying desperately to not let his face twist too much, "Blaine, I am sorry about your eye." He said, swallowing.

"That means nothing to me." Blaine's voice was harsh, anger simmering beneath his tight control, and Sebastian took another calming breath, still staring up at him.

"Just give me a chance. I have no excuses, other than… a _lame_ prank got completely out of control." He noticed Blaine's eyes tightening in outraged confusion, and he knew that it would be a while before his words even sank in properly. He plunged on, before either Blaine or his boyfriend could say anything in response. "Secondly, the Finn photos have all been destroyed." He addressed that part mainly to Kurt, before turning back to Santana, barely pausing for breath.

"I want the Warblers to win, fair and square. And," The four members of the New Directions were exchanging very confused glances by this point; Kurt's expression with his one eyebrow arched probably the most amusing, "We're going to take donations for Lady Gaga's Born This Way foundation. Win, lose or draw, we're going to dedicate our performance to Dave Karofsky. I thought you might want to join us." He tried to meet all of their eyes, willing them to see his sincerity without him having to further explain.

"Wait for the punch," Kurt said, not even trying to keep his voice down as he leant closer to Blaine. "You know it's coming." Blaine looked at him, still looking shocked by this turn of events but by that point even more willing than before to trust his boyfriend's words over Sebastian's.

"No." _God dammit, _his voice was steadily getting worse. "Not this time." He looked down, swallowed, but tried to carry on. "For… too long, I have treated… everything," He shrugged helplessly. "Like a big joke."

He tried not to remember, tried to stop the flash of the memory of that night in Scandals with Dave that passed through his mind, but he saw enough of it for another wave of self-disgust, shame and guilt to come crashing over him, words like '100 pounds overweight' and 'stay in the closet' whirling around his brain.

His eyes flashed to Santana, not particularly because he was specifically speaking to her, but because he knew she would understand his next words more than any of the rest of them.

"It's all fun and games." Another shrug. "Until it's not." He shook his head, watching them all as they stared at him, pity in their eyes. He looked up as Kurt gave a little snort of disbelief, his heart twisting in his chest.

"What, so that's it? You've suddenly seen the light, you're suddenly sorry? Why do you care? Since when do you care about anything but yourself?" Kurt demanded, and although the questions were accusing, and very pointed, there was also an undercurrent of plain confusion; none of them could understand his sudden change. He closed his eyes, swallowed; he had to tell them more.

"Did you know I had a twin brother?" He asked, working to keep his voice neutral as he looked up at them. They all looked mystified, Kurt raising an eyebrow; but something flashed in his eyes on the word 'had'. Something jolted in Sebastian's stomach when he realised that Kurt had noticed. Noticed his use of the past tense, when none of the others did. He wasn't sure what to think of that, so he resolutely continued.

"We did everything together… but he was sick. He was dying. And one day, the pain got too much, and he killed himself." He looked up, shoulders hunching slightly. The two couples facing him had gone very very still and quiet at his sudden confession, and he couldn't bear looking at Blaine's sympathetic face, Kurt's softening features, Brittany's confused sympathy; because he knew he looked completely and utterly heartbroken. And while Brittany didn't appear to completely understand, she still looked distressed by his grief, sending another funny pang through him.

The safest person to look at was Santana, and his eyes fell to her smooth, shielded face as he carried on.

"I didn't just lose my brother that day. I lost my best friend. And realising that… my words," he choked a little again, more obviously that time, feeling the air thicken with shock as he did so. "_My_ words could drive someone to that point… That I could be responsible for something like that…" He shook his head a little, finally dropping his gaze when he saw a flash of pity even in Santana's eyes. "That was something of a wakeup call for me." He let it settle, actually physically unable to speak as he tried to keep the other memories from rising, keep his emotions vaguely in check.

Fuck, he needed to get drunk tonight.

"Well. That's… That changes things." Santana said quietly, but he couldn't look at her, at any of them, not quite yet. "I still don't trust you… but, well. I might be a bitch, but I'm not completely heartless." She stated, eyes unsure as Brittany reached for her hand and she squeezed back, her eyes never leaving Sebastian. "We'll give you a chance, Warbler. But if you're lying to us, or this is some ploy…" She left the threat hanging there, and once Sebastian would've risen to the bait. Now, it was the last thing he felt like doing. Instead he nodded, closing his eyes and breathing through his nose.

"Thank you." He was relieved to hear that his voice was steady, a remarkable feat considering how close he was to losing control. He watched Santana lead Brittany out by their linked hands, staring up at Kurt and Blaine as neither of them moved.

"Sebastian…" Blaine started, but before he could shake his head _no_, tell him 'not now, please not now', Kurt laid a hand on Blaine's shoulder and shook his head a little. Sebastian felt a surge of gratitude towards Kurt, which was yet another new feeling, still watching as Kurt gently coaxed Blaine away, giving a sharp nod of thanks. Something in Kurt's expression shifted, but before he could try and figure out what it was, they were gone. He turned back to his table, breathing out shakily and resting his head in his hands.

Apparently, his therapist was right; bottling things up and burying them _was_ bad for you. Because later they all came exploding out of the box, leaving shrapnel wounds and burns in their wake at just one trigger.

Karofsky's attempted suicide was Sebastian's trigger. Suddenly, all those memories were back, all the screaming and the shouting hurting just as much as the happy laughter and smiles as his mind flashed through them like some morbid film he couldn't pause anymore, only try to ignore.

He wa suddenly startled from his anxious, calm-the-fuck-down-now-you-can't-cry-in-a-coffee-shop session by soft material suddenly nudging against his hand where it was cradling his forehead.

Her jerked around to find himself staring at the inscrutable figure of Kurt Hummel, of all people, holding out a handkerchief to him.

For a moment all he could think, as he glanced between the hanky to Kurt's carefully expressionless face, was 'he _would _have a handkerchief with him' before he realised why Kurt was offering it.

Hesitantly and trying not to think about it, he accepted it, pressing it to his watery eyes thankfully in time to catch the liquid before it could spill over. He glanced up at Kurt, still very confused, and tried a smile of sorts.

"If you're planning on comforting me, couldn't you have at least brought Blaine with you? He's…" He bit off his words about how he'd rather be comforted by Blaine. "Cuddlier." He finished lamely, and he could tell that Kurt noticed. He stared at Sebastian for a second, before rolling his eyes and gracefully folding himself into the chair that Santana had recently vacated.

"I'm not here to comfort you, because you don't want comforting. Am I right?" He asked, surprisingly softly, watching Sebastian with wary but cautiously gentle blue eyes. Silently, Sebastian clenched the damp cloth between his hands, before realising his actions and beginning to smooth it out, mainly for something to do.

"So why are you here?" He asked, momentarily considering trying for flippancy, but dismissing the notion instantly. It was too late for that. For whatever reason, Kurt had come back and had now caught him almost crying. He could try and fix his reputation later when he was more emotionally stable, when all the memories threatening to overrun him now were shoved away again.

Oh, he'd be more careful with his words now. But he was not going to turn into Mr. Nice and Polite; he has never naturally been that way and now, now he couldn't give it up. He needed his wit, his sarcasm, his more gentle insults and jibing like a shield; without them he was just a scared little boy, as defenceless and broken as that day he came home to find his brother's body on the cold bathroom tiles.

"I'm…" Kurt trailed off, looking frustrated and a little unsure as Sebastian watched him from the corner of his eye, still smoothing the hanky out with long, trembling fingers. Kurt sighed, folding his arms.

"I don't like you." He said bluntly, and Sebastian could feel his defences rising like a tide, but Kurt continued. "You don't like me. I'm not about to hold you while you cry on my shoulder, nor would you want to cry on my shoulder… I just… I understand." He shrugged a little, dropping his gaze and tightening his grip on his elbows.

They sat, not looking at each other, in silence for several minutes as Sebastian tried to process this. Once he thought he understood, he wasn't sure he wanted to ask. Obviously Kurt had lost someone, someone close, which Kurt was presuming meant he understood.

Sebastian was still struggling with this concept.

"It hits you." Kurt said suddenly, raising his eyes as his posture straightened a little. Sebastian watched him, listening, and for once in his life he had no fucking _idea _what to say. "Really suddenly, at the strangest of times, it hits you. Full on hits you like a slap in the face." He said, and Sebastian merely stared at him, raising an eyebrow. "Reminders. It can be something almost completely unrelated, something you've seen or heard thousands of times before, and then suddenly it reminds you. Of… it." Kurt continued thoughtfully, half speaking to himself as Sebastian stared at him. He swallowed.

"Like a song on the radio. Or something in a display window." He offered quietly, hearing Kurt's breathing hitch a little in surprise. "Or a whole country." Sebastian mumbled, not even considering the words. He looked up abruptly, catching Kurt's gaze with sudden intensity.

"You too." It was a statement, not a question, but at the same time it was a plea for confirmation, that Kurt hadn't just read a lot of books about loss and grieving, that he actually understood. Kurt seemed to hear that desperate plea, because he nodded jerkily; a quick, violent movement of affirmation.

"Whenever I look in the mirror… I see him." The words were out before he could stop them, and he could feel his own eyes widening even as he watched Kurt's do the same.

"Whenever I see my name." Kurt replied. Sebastian frowned, and Kurt gave another small shrug, giving a lopsided sort of smile. Despite never having seen that expression on Kurt's face before, Sebastian recognised it. It was the hiding-feelings smile, the one you used when you feel like crying and screaming but for whatever reason you couldn't.

Yes, Sebastian was very familiar with that smile.

"My middle name. It's… it's her name. Elizabeth." Kurt explained, still wearing that little pained smile, and Sebastian didn't ask for more clarification upon who Elizabeth was. He just sat, and for once, unlike with his now ex-therapist, unlike with the many, many family members or well-meaning people who'd tried to coax his feelings from him, get him to talk about it, Sebastian didn't feel the need to reply.

He was very aware that Kurt had just divulged a very personal piece of information, but he also knew that it was because for whatever reason, Kurt wanted to. Not because he wanted Sebastian to reply, or trade painful memories for painful memories. They sat in silence as the sky outside slowly darkens, and Sebastian felt more relaxed than he had in years; content to sit in silence with a boy he would probably still profess to hate or at least intensely dislike and not speak. Content to know that Kurt understood that they didn't need to talk, that Sebastian didn't want to go and cry somewhere, didn't want to be held or comforted with words or gestures.

It was dusk by the time Kurt suddenly shifted in his seat, and then there was a sudden awkwardness in the air. They had just spent the better part of an hour sitting at the same table in silence, but only then did it feel awkward, as Kurt mumbled something involving 'time' and 'home' and stood, dusting imaginary dust from his jeans.

They stared at each other for a few moments, Kurt seemingly deliberating something as he contemplated Sebastian. Apparently coming to a decision, Kurt snatched up his abandoned pen from where it was lying on his maths paper, and scribbled quickly on a napkin.

He handed the flimsy wad of paper to Sebastian, looking extremely nervous, and he took it, eyes dropping to the hastily scrawled digits. It was a phone number.

His eyes flew back up to Kurt, searching. Kurt coughed uncomfortably and shifted his weight to his other leg.

"Just if you… you know. If you need someone who… who understands. You… you can call. If you want to." Kurt explained helplessly, nodding at the napkin. Sebastian dropped his gaze back to it once more, looking up only when Kurt walked away; half rising from his seat.

"Kurt!" the other boy halted, turning to face him. "Thank you." He flapped the napkin with Kurt's number on it a bit, but Kurt, once more, understood; giving another nod, a tentative smile, and leaving.

* * *

**So I started filling this on the GKM, but due to my general failing at working that website, I am going to continue it here. I haven't updated it for quite some time, but rest assured I will see this through to the end; it hasn't been abandoned! :)**

**Please review! XD**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"_Bas, you bastard, that's _my_ lacrosse stick!" Sebastian looked up, a slyly innocent expression crossing his face as his brother stomped into the changing room, studs clacking on the lino floor._

"_Yes, I know it's your lacrosse stick, Chris." Christian spluttered at him for a moment incredulously._

"_You can't use my stick!"_

"_I don't see why not. We're twins. It's the same as mine."_

"_You can't use mine because you've got your own!" Christian protested, frowning, while Sebastian snorted at his logic._

"_But mine's in the car. You should have picked up that one; but you didn't, hence, I have no stick. Because of you and your laziness. So I'm using yours." Christian stared at him._

"_Well… I was carrying…!" He trailed off, Sebastian smirking at him. "I was carrying the boot bags, so you should have… oh forget it." Sebastian's grin stretched wider in victory, while Christian rolled his eyes._

"_So who's going to go get yours?" He demanded, crossing his arms angrily, while Sebastian stood, shifting his feet in his football boots as he got used to them._

"_Relax, Chris, we're switching off at half-time. It'll be fine." He beamed cheerily at his brother, slinging an arm around his shoulder and forcing him to walk out of the changing room with him, out into the brisk wind of the field. Christian huffed, but followed along compliantly enough._

_Christian started to complain and berate Sebastian again when he realised that they couldn't warm up with only one stick between them, but before he could really get started (Christian was one of those people who made ranting into a terrifying art form) one of their friends, Matthew, came up behind him and covered his eyes._

_Christian let out a girlish shriek that Sebastian was going to tease him about for literally _hours _and flung his arms up, already cursing at his usual pitch and volume as he tried to get free._

_He froze, and went very still when Sebastian placed the object that their mother had been hiding for him in his hands._

"_Bas?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_What is this?"_

"_What do you think, doofus?" Sebastian rolled his eyes, trying to cover up his sudden nerves that Christian wouldn't like it. His twin opened his eyes as Matthew backed off, staring at the object in his hands with wide, green eyes._

"_You… you bought me a lacrosse stick. For… our birthday?" Christian queried, still sounding slightly shell shocked. Sebastian grinned, knowing his brother well enough to see the excitement shining through his surprise._

"_Yeah."_

"_Oh my god. I actually love you." Christian yelled, letting his stick fall from his arms and launching himself at his twin, nearly knocking both of them to the ground. Sebastian grinned into Christian's shoulder, hugging him back, before releasing him and rolling his eyes._

"_What do you mean, you 'actually' love me? " He jibed, but Christian had already whirled away, tossing his new stick back and forth between his hands with practised movements, eyes shining. Sebastian let out a peal of laughter at the bright-eyed happy look on his brother's face, beaming back._

Sebastian shifted in his sleep a little, the small smile on his face dropping slightly.

"_Why?" Christian asked later that day, when they were sitting, shoulder to shoulder, legs tangled, on the couch as the dark light of the movie credits played off their faces and empty pizza boxes. Sebastian turned his head to stare at his brother, not even bothering to contort his face into a questioning expression. Christian didn't need to even look at him to hear his unasked question._

"_Why did you buy the stick?" he expanded, meeting Sebastian's eyes, his brow furrowed in contemplation. Sebastian knocked his knee against Christian's, grinning._

"_Cause you wanted it. Duh." Christian smiled a little, but remained focused on his pursuit of answers._

"_No, I mean… god, I don't know. Why?"_

"_Because you're my twin, and I love you, and I like making you happy." Sebastian rolled his eyes at the fluttery-eyelashes Christian mockingly gave him, both of them knowing that he was serious despite the joking. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Christian spoke again._

"_Bas?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Do you… ever miss me?" Sebastian turned to meet Christian's eyes again, surprised by the timid tone of his voice._

"_Um, yeah. When you're not with me, sure." Sebastian replied slowly, still uncertain about where he was going with this._

"_No, I mean…" Christian made a frustrated sound, his gaze dropping to his lap as he twisted his hands together. Sebastian frowned. Christian was not a shy person; he was even more outgoing than Sebastian, in truth, though that wasn't always obvious, and for him to be fidgety and fumbling around _Sebastian _was even more unusual._

"_Chris, you're going to have to spell it out for me. My brain is nowhere near functioning enough to figure it out." Sebastian stated bluntly, which elicited more fidgeting from Christian._

"_I mean… even when we're here. Together. Do you miss me?" Christian suddenly blurted, gesturing towards the way they were basically tangled together helplessly as he tried to get his brother to understand._

"_I… I'm not sure I know what you mean." Sebastian answered carefully, while Christian frowned._

"_God, neither am I. Ugh. I think… Do you sometimes get the idea that... remember… or realise that we're not going to be together forever? And then… miss me?" Christian asked, and then it clicked with Sebastian, who didn't stop his features from softening as he bumped his shoulder against Christian's again, more gently._

"_Yeah." He answered quietly, feeling his twin's body relax against his in relief. He turned to look at that achingly familiar, mirror-like image of his brother, before leaning back against him. "Love you, Chris."_

"_Love you, Bas."_

Sebastian shifted again, more violently this time, turning his head completely and moving away from the damp patch on his pillow on instinct.

"_Why? Why couldn't it have been you, why isn't it you! WHY IS IT ME?"_

He frowned, jerking again as he shook his head in denial, mouthing useless words, just as useless then as they were now.

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it'll be okay, I promise."_

"_You can't know that! Don't promise me things like that, don't don't don't don't don't-" useless fists, hitting against his chest, thudding with relentless certainty even as their owner crumbled before his eyes -_

-more thrashing, his limbs jerking with half-movements carried across his unconsciousness, pillow now soaked no matter which way his head turns-

"_Your fault, Sebastian, it's your fault. You were supposed to be able to tell, you were the one who was supposed to be able to reach him. You didn't. You failed. You failure. It's your fault your fault your fault your fault, your fault he's dead, your fault, your fault your __**your fault your fault your fault your fault YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT-**_

Sebastian jerked again, eyes flying open as he panted, chest heaving, and he just focused _breathing_for several minutes. His heart pounded against his ribs, beating out an erratic rhythm as he slowly came to his senses.

Gradually, he became aware that he was sweating, sheets twisted around his abdomen in a messy, uncomfortable tangle, but it was only when he moved to kick the sheets off that he noticed the dampness of his pillow, the wetness on his cheeks.

Furiously wiping his eyes, he finally managed to free himself from the blankets, stumbling off his bed and reaching for his phone. He didn't even know what he was doing anymore, he only knew that he was tired, and hot, and shaken and still not breathing properly and it _hurt_ and he didn't know what to do.

He only reached the wall nearest his bed before his legs decided for him that sitting down was the best thing and dropped him to his knees, causing him to fall awkwardly and then shuffle about with shaky, sleep-heavy limbs for several minutes. He ended up sitting, knees up, with his bare back pressed against the smooth plaster, desperately clutching his phone in his slippery hand.

"-llo?" Kurt's voice, muffled by sleep, instantly had him closing his eyes, trying to calm down. A quiet rustle echoed down the line as Sebastian clutched his hair, breathing heavily and still half trying to work out why he had called _Kurt_ in the first place, nearly a week and a half after that coffee shop meeting.

"Kurt." He choked slightly, tugging on his hair so hard it hurt to try and distract himself. A more urgent, purposeful rustling sounded in his ear as he closed his eyes again.

"Sebastian?" Kurt queried, still sounding muddled by sleep and confused as Sebastian let out a harsh breath.

Silence reigned for a few moments, Sebastian's harsh, ragged pants slowly evening out as he listened to Kurt's calming, soft breaths.

"Dreams. Do you… dreams. Fuck." He scraped at his scalp again, listening almost pathetically carefully as Kurt shifted again.

"Yes. Sometimes, they're happy, and they make me laugh. Other times, they're still happy, but they make me cry. And then there are the horrible ones, which just…" Kurt trailed off, not bothering to continue. He knew Sebastian understood, just like Kurt understood Sebastian's broken mutters.

More silence, filled with soft breathing, the knowledge that someone was _there_, someone who _understood_ at least in part the feelings enough to keep Sebastian relatively calm, even as more tears slipped down his cheeks.

"How do you… does it…" Sebastian tugged on his hair again, frustrated, but Kurt exhaled strongly a few moments later, cutting off his next attempt at explaining.

"Stop? I don't know. It hasn't stopped for me. But it has gotten better, Bas." -Sebastian's breath caught at that, the nickname that had been sounding in his memory bare minutes ago jolting oddly in his heart. For some reason, he didn't mind it. "-I promise it does get better, and I know that probably sounds like a line that everybody likes to tell you, but it does. Not in the way you expect it to, not… not at all, in some ways. In some ways it carries on hurting just as much. But it gets better." Sebastian closed his eyes again, listening to Kurt's soft voice as he finally felt his emotions begin to settle a little.

Breathing almost normally now, Sebastian crawled back into bed, curling under the sheets in a tight ball that looked somehow awkward; as if he was waiting for somebody else to come and tangle themselves around him.

Nobody came.

But Kurt didn't leave, didn't hang up, and Sebastian finally fell asleep again listening to Kurt's quiet, even breathing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Hey, Kurt, you look exhausted. Are you okay?" Kurt jumped a little, rubbing his eyes as he looked up at Blaine, who was gazing at him in concern.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, no, I'm just… I didn't get much sleep last night." He shrugged, trying to look nonchalant as he held back a yawn, but one look at the expression on Blaine's face told him that he wasn't getting out of this one.

"Why not?" Blaine asked, shifting closer than they usually dared when at school, but Kurt was too tired to worry about the possible consequences.

"Just…" he sighed, and Blaine covered his hand with his own. "Sebastian phoned me." He said quietly. Blaine frowned, looking extremely confused.

"Why? Wait, what time did he phone you to make you so tired?" He asked suddenly , eyes wide and suspicious. Kurt rubbed his hand over his face again.

"Around three. He… Look, he told me this in confidentiality, so please don't…" Blaine nodded in understanding, squeezing his boyfriend's hand.

"Kurt, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone, but if you think Sebastian would really not like it, then…" Kurt smiled a little, shaking his head.

"I don't even know if he meant to tell me. I just… Blaine, I think I was the only person he _could _call." He murmured, still shocked at the thought that the only person Sebastian had was a boy he probably still considered to be 'in his way'. Blaine looked appalled; sympathetic horror flaring in his yes. "He… he had a nightmare. I don't know what about, but… shit, Blaine, he was crying." Kurt whispered, closing his eyes.

After Sebastian had fallen asleep; his frantic breaths evening out into slow, even and steady inhales and exhales, Kurt had been unable to hang up. He woke in the morning after three hours of sleep to find that the call had disconnected during that brief period, but for the time following that phone call Kurt had sat and listened to Sebastian sleep, his brain tumbling over itself in flurries of frantic thoughts as they twisted amongst each other.

The sound of Sebastian crying had torn Kurt's heart to pieces; the image of him alone, clutching his phone in his hands and relying on _Kurt_, and he had not been able to stop thinking. About twins. About another Sebastian; a boy who looked the same but was still a different person. He thought about how close you would be to someone like that; to someone who was literally your other half.

He thought about what it would be like to discover that that person, so close and so special in a way he could barely comprehend, was going to die. He remembered the dread of _knowing_, just knowing no matter how hard you pretended, how little you understood, how happy it might have seemed, that it was all going to come to an end despite your prayers. He tried to imagine being the person in that position; knowing your life had a time limit that was far shorter than it should be. He could see how that might drive you to the point of _wanting_ to die; if the pain was so bad that what little life you had left didn't seem worth it.

He tried to imagine being the person left behind; the half who had to stay alive.

He opened his eyes to find Blaine staring at him in concern; watching with careful eyes as he shook his head a little to clear it.

"I just… Blaine, when I lost my mother it was… it was hard. I don't know if… if that will ever leave me. I don't think so. But… god, Sebastian… I don't know what happened, but _god_, he's hurting right now Blaine, he's hurting so badly and I don't know what to _do-_"

"Hey, hey, Kurt, shh." Blaine regarded him for a moment, hands resting lightly on Kurt's shoulders in comfort. "This is really getting you down, isn't it?" He asked sounding slightly fascinated, as Kurt closed his eyes again, breathing still slightly erratic due to emotion, and nodded. Blaine made a thoughtful noise, while Kurt managed to get himself under control.

"I'm sorry. I just… I don't hate him so much now. Because…" Blaine nodded in return, smiling a little.

"He's hurting?" Blaine clarified, and Kurt nodded again, helpless and suddenly painfully aware that Blaine _didn't understand._

Later, alone in the bathroom, he considered that, and he realised that he'd told Sebastian more about his mother than he had ever told anybody before. He had never even admitted to his dad how badly he missed her, how big the whole she left behind was.

His dad knew that, of course he knew, but they hadn't ever properly talked about it, hadn't discussed it or laid those hidden pains on the table. And yet, he'd told Sebastian; told him outright. He didn't even like him, they didn't like _each other_ and yet he somehow… understood Sebastian.

That was all it was. He understood. Because it wouldn't have taken much for Kurt to turn out exactly the same way; part of him _had _turned out that way; bitchy and sarcastic. That was all they had; understanding.

He stared at the number saved under 'Sebastian', thumb smoothing over the 'call' button.

* * *

Sebastian chucked his French textbook across the room, scowling. He'd insisted he was sick, and he guessed he must have looked pretty shit after his night of very little sleep, nightmares and a lot more crying than he really wanted to admit to, because he was allowed to remain in his single dorm (yes, _single_ dorm, his father was a state's attorney, of _course_ he had a single dorm) for the day.

Only now he was wishing that he'd struggled through his lessons despite it all, because at least that would have given him something to _do_, something to stop him from thinking, god, anything, anything to stop him from thinking.

He was never going to tell anyone this, but he might have shrieked a little bit when his phone buzzed in his back pocket. He definitely jumped, and had to spend a moment calming himself down before he could scramble for his phone.

Flipping it open and still swearing foully under his breath, he had to read the name above the symbol of 'new message' at least six times before it really sank in; curse words dying in his throat.

_**Kurt**__ - Hope you're feeling better._

He observed the text for a while, as if he was an animal checking to see if a predator was dead, before his thumbs hesitantly began to move across the keys.

_**Sebastian **__- Thank you. You?_

_**Kurt **__- Tired._

_**Sebastian **__ - Sorry_

_**Kurt**__ - Don't be. I meant it when I said you could call. You can, anytime, okay?_

_**Sebastian **__ - I don't understand why you're doing this._

_**Kurt **__ - This?_

_**Sebastian**__ - This. Helping. Talking to me. God, even picking up the damn phone last night, giving me your number in the first place. Making that offer… why? Why would you do that? I'm the smirky meerkat who was trying to steal your boyfriend. Why?_

The reply seemed to take ages, but Sebastian just couldn't stop staring at his screen, framed by his fingers, as he waited; not moving a muscle and barely breathing. Would Kurt answer him? Did Kurt even _have _an answer? Finally, unable to take it any longer, Sebastian typed out another message.

_**Sebastian **__ - Am I a charity case? _The reply to that was almost instantaneous; bare seconds after pressing the 'send' button;

_**Kurt **__- NO. No. Sebastian, get that thought out of your head. You're the last person I'm going to feel sorry for. Give me a minute to reply, can't you, that was a hard question!_

_**Sebastian **__- Okay. Sorry. Just… _Sebastian sighed again, leg jiggling anxiously as he waited, unable to stop the feeling of relief that Kurt didn't just view him as a charity case, and equally unable to stop the fear of what that meant.

Finally, his phone vibrated in his hand again.

_**Kurt **__- I'm doing 'this' because I've been there. Still am there, in a way. Probably always will be. Because… it wouldn't have taken much for me to turn out exactly like you have._

_**Sebastian **__- Like I have?_

_**Kurt **__- You know what I mean. Unless you've *always* been a sexual predator who hangs around gay bars and tries to steal people's boyfriends?_

A laugh bubbled up Sebastian's throat, coming out slightly strangled, but there nonetheless; amusement. His fingers flew across the keys, expression calculating but his mouth still tugged up into a smile.

_**Sebastian**__ - You should have seen us. We were quite a team, me and Chris._

_**Kurt **__- Well that sounds terrifying. _Sebastian grinned, about to reply when his phone buzzed again in his hand.

_**Kurt**__ - Is that his name? _He paused, breath catching and expression settling.

_**Sebastian**__ - Yes. Christian._

_**Kurt **__- Sebastian and Christian Smythe._

_**Sebastian**__ - Who's Elizabeth?_

_**Kurt**__ - You remember that? She was my mother._

_**Sebastian**__ - Is your mother._

_**Kurt **__- What?_

_**Sebastian**__ - Just because she's dead doesn't mean she's not your mother anymore. Chris is still my brother._

_**Kurt **__- I guess so. _

_**Sebastian**__ - When?_

_**Kurt**__ - When I was ten. Cancer._

_**Sebastian**__ - Chris too. In the brain. _

_**Kurt **__- I'm sorry. _Sebastian stared at the words, waiting for the familiar flare of anger that always came when people used that phrase; the phrase that slipped from people's mouths with very little sincerity; a generic comment that filled silences when people didn't know what to say.

It didn't come.

Maybe it was because he knew that Kurt actually meant it. Maybe because he knew exactly _what_ Kurt meant by it; not 'I'm sorry he's dead' or even 'I'm sorry it happened' because really, what the fuck was the point in apologising for that, for something that nobody had any control over?

Kurt meant 'I'm sorry that it still hurts. For both of us.' And somehow, that made it okay.

_**Sebastian **__- Me too._

_**Kurt **__- There._

_**Sebastian **__- What?_

_**Kurt**__ - That, right there, that's why._

_**Sebastian **__- And again, what?_

_**Kurt **__- Maybe I need someone to understand too._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Sebastian stood staring at the front entrance of William McKinley High School for an embarrassingly long time, not that he particularly gave a fuck about the curious looks the jocks gave him as he stood in the parking lot.

He really wasn't sure what to do, or even why he'd really turned up in the first place. All he knew was that he'd nearly lost it, so nearly completely _lost it_ and the only coherent thought his brain had been able to come up with as it scrambled frantically to keep itself together was 'Kurt'.

Which he was trying to not consider in too much detail, because that was a whole confused tangle of shit he really was not in the mood for getting stuck in right now.

But whether he wanted to think about it or not, the fact remained that he was now at McKinley and to be honest not really in much of a better mental state than he had been two hours ago; when he had stormed out of the lesson when they started discussing-

No.

He shook himself, almost physically pulling his thoughts away from the memory of it, and resumed… well. He resumed staring blankly at the school of the New Directions and trying to figure out whether he should go in or go home before he made an even bigger fool of himself.

The matter was rather taken out of his hands however, when Blaine hurried out, followed by what looked like the majority of the football players in the glee club. He instantly started searching for Kurt, but before he could find him amongst the burly shoulders of the other guys, Blaine had reached him, looking puzzled.

"Sebastian?" He jerked his head around to meet the shorter boy's gaze, defences rising when he saw the scrunched up concern on Blaine's face. "What are you doing here?"

"Nothing." He shrugged, his arms defensively crossing over his chest before he could abort the movement, his gaze dropping to the tarmac; feeling suddenly cornered.

"Well you're obviously doing something, so what is it? What do you want?" one of the other boys demanded defensively; the lithe, Asian one whose name he had never bothered to ask.

"Mike!" A familiar voice reprimanded, shoving his way through the crowd with an exasperated glare in the direction of the group, even as Finn reached out for him.

"Kurt, don't go near that guy!"

"Oh for goodness' sake, he's not going to hurt me." Sebastian calmed a little as the guys stepped down a bit, looking disgruntled and wary but at least not glaring at him anymore.

"Hey, Kurt." Kurt rolled his eyes at him, which Sebastian took as a friendly greeting and a vast improvement upon the icy glares.

They'd exchanged a few more texts since that day when he'd been 'ill'; mainly mindless banter full of mostly harmless quips against each other's faces and clothes, but it suddenly felt odd to see Kurt in person. Judging from Kurt's wary expression, he was feeling equally off kilter with it, so Sebastian did what he did best; smirked, threw up a wall, and insulted.

"Well, it would seem that you public school kids carry the stench around with you." It wasn't his best, but Kurt seemed to simultaneously relax and huffily ruffle himself up at the same time; rolling his eyes again.

"Well, it's nice to see you too Sebastian. What brings you to McKinley; I'm surprised you've been able to stand the smell for so long, it must be painful."

"Oh, it was hard, but I'm getting through it." Sebastian's smirk grew wider as Kurt rolled his eyes yet again.

"Your woes and troubles aside, why are you here? When Puck said there was a Warbler in the parking lot, we thought it was going to be one of the others." Kurt frowned at him, his expression suddenly matching the frowns on his peers' faces and reminding Sebastian that they were in fact other people there.

Warily, he gave a little shrug.

"Sorry to disappoint. I don't like Biology, and I figured you guys would at least be more entertaining than my coffee." Kurt's expression grew suspicious, while everyone else just looked confused. Sebastian wasn't really sure what to make of Kurt's quick catch on at the too-specific mention of the subject, but he was certainly enjoying the puzzled glances the guys were exchanging.

"What's wrong with Biology?" Finn asked, his face wrinkled into an expression that Sebastian highly doubted anyone but his girlfriend and possibly his mom would find cute, while everyone else's gazes flickered between them, waiting for Sebastian to answer.

"Well, in Biology, they tend to discuss things like diseases. Diseases like cancer." Sebastian snapped, eyes flinty as he watched their confusion grow; suddenly not enjoying it anymore and desperately wishing he had never showed up in the first place.

"Brain?" Kurt asked softly, stepping closer. Sebastian couldn't meet his eyes, dropping his gaze to the floor instead with a jerky nod. Kurt surveyed him for a minute, while Finn continued to try and inform Sebastian about the merits of Biology; clearly thinking that the Warbler was in need of some serious guidance.

Kurt gave a little grin suddenly, exchanging a glance with Blaine that made no more sense to Blaine than it did to Sebastian, if Blaine's expression was anything to go by, and his smile widened.

Sebastian, who normally rejected all signs of happiness and near full on panicked at the sight of glee, had never been so scared by a smile before.

"I know just the thing to take your mind of it." Kurt beamed.

Yeah, Sebastian was scared.

* * *

"_This_ was your brilliant idea? Really?" Kurt scowled at him, giving Sebastian another particularly useless shove as he and Brittany tried to get him to sit down. The jocks were all simultaneously asking their own questions about why Sebastian was here, trying to answer Santana's similar questions, while Rachel stood on her chair, pointing and screaming 'SPY' at an ear splitting volume.

Mr Schue was also asking useless questions, but everyone was ignoring him, while Sebastian noticed that the man at the piano was looking rather as if he wished he could go home. Looking around at the complete chaos of the glee club, Sebastian was inclined to think they were in the same boat.

"No, seriously, what am I doing here?" Kurt smirked at him.

"This will take your mind off it. The New Directions are the best, cheapest distraction." Kurt explained, as finally Sebastian gave in and allowed himself to be led to his seat (so sue him, Brittany was stronger than she looked), between Kurt and Blaine on one side, and Brittany and Santana on the other. He made a conscious effort to not make any jibes about 'the gay brigade', and felt quite proud of himself when he managed to suppress the urge.

"I can think of many more distractions better than this, that are just as cheap, to be honest." Sebastian answered absentmindedly, eyes still darting from side to side as he tried to take in all of the glory of McKinley High's glee club in one go.

"Well, this one is quicker and involves keeping your clothes on, so." Kurt sniped back, much to Sebastian's surprise; who hadn't really expected Kurt to know what he was talking about.

"I don't know, how long do you normally keep your clothes on in this club?"

"You forget, Sebastian, that I have been in the Warblers. I know that it isn't just one gay orgy all the time." Sebastian actually pouted at him for a minute, before Mr Schue finally gave up asking the club to calm down and simply came over to ask what the Warbler was doing in their midst. Rachel was still shrieking, but Sebastian really doubted that even _she_ knew what she was saying anymore.

"Oh you wish, Hummel." Kurt merely arched an eyebrow, before Mr Schue interrupted them.

"Uh, guys? You want to tell us why you've invited…"

"Sebastian." Blaine filled in.

"-_Sebastian_ here today?" Mr Schue continued with a nod of thanks. Kurt fixed Mr Schue with a look that clearly conveyed to Sebastian just how unimpressed Kurt was with the man in general, though the teacher himself seemed to have missed the memo.

"He's our friend. He's come to visit and distract himself from the repressed nature of boarding school life with the crazy drama of the New Directions." Mr Schue looked uncertain, but he quickly lost what little control he had managed to wrestle from his kids as they all began clamouring about one thing or another.

"Can we try and explain the relationships to him?" Blaine laughed, while Tina and Kurt started discussing whether or not they had enough time to fully map out the messy history of the New Direction's love lives. Sebastian met Santana's gaze, one eyebrow arched, as they all continued to ignore Rachel's loud squawking about spies.

"How complicated can it be?" Sebastian asked. Later, he would realise that he should've guessed from the gleam in Mercedes', Tina's and Kurt's eyes that he was really setting himself up for it.

* * *

"Okay, so let me get this straight."

"Interesting choice of words." Kurt sniggered, but for the first time in a long while, Sebastian ignored him; intent on leaving with at least some basic understanding of it. He had long given up on 'Finchel' and anything involving Puck or Santana more than once, but at the very least he was determined to get everyone else down.

"So Tina and Artie were dating, and then they split up and Tina started dating Mike, while Artie was dating Brittany. Then… what?" Sebastian shot a quizzical look at Kurt, who was holding his hand over Mercedes' mouth with a deceptively serene expression, while Blaine cracked up silently in his chair.

"There is something you guys aren't telling me here, and I want to know what it is." Sebastian stated flatly, noting with interest the way Kurt's eyes widened almost imperceptibly.

"Oh, Brittany dated Kurt for a while, and then both me and her dated Finn at some point, and I slept with Finn, and we both slept with Puckerman in the same year… oh, and Brittany broke up with Artie and Artie kept pathetically trying to get her back-"

"Hey!" Artie protested, but Santana persistently continued; Sebastian staring at her wide-eyed.

"-and she got together with me. And Tina and Mike are still disgustingly cute even now."

"Wait. Hold up a bit." He turned to look at Kurt, whose face immediately soured a little in anticipation of what Sebastian was about to say. "You dated Brittany." Kurt sighed.

"Yes. For like, a week."

"But, you're the gayest kid in gay town!" Kurt narrowed his eyes at him, but didn't seem unduly offended; unlike Tina and Mercedes, who were frowning at him.

"Oh, how you flatter me. It was a phase, okay?" Kurt muttered, a slightly embarrassed blush tingeing his cheeks.

"Okay, now I have to hear the details of this straight phase." He grinned, while Kurt sank in his chair a little.

"Kurt went butch." Tina giggled, while Kurt let out a groan. Sebastian felt his jaw drop slightly, eyeing Kurt curiously and so surprised he couldn't even be bothered to close his mouth.

"Why do I get the feeling that that means more than him wearing boy's clothes?" Kurt groaned again, shooting Sebastian dagger eyes.

"How are you still going with that?"

"It's a good theme." Sebastian replied with a shrug, feeling the corner of his mouth beginning to tug up in a smile. Kurt's eyes were still narrowed, but there was a light there that didn't used to be; a teasing kind of knowing that told Sebastian that Kurt wasn't angry; wasn't taking it seriously. People rarely did seem to know when Sebastian was being serious and when he was joking. It was easier sometimes to just let them assume he was a bastard and leave it at that.

"It's getting old and you know it, Smythe. And for your information, I wore flannel for a week and sang Mellencamp, and no, there are no pictures; I blackmailed everyone into deleting them." Sebastian raises his eyebrows, now full on grinning.

"Ooh, blackmail? Saucy." Kurt smirked, before they were interrupted by Rachel announcing that she was going to sing a song. Sebastian was surprised to find that this in fact meant that Rachel was going to give a lecture and _then_ sing a song, but apparently it was normal.

Sebastian listened to her ramblings about spies, someone called 'Jesse' and eggs and how 'they would all be sorry that they weren't listening to her' with some interest, making a mental note to ask about the more interesting parts of her speech, before she sang some breathtaking song that probably expanded upon the theme of her speech quite nicely, but Sebastian got distracted by Kurt.

Again.

He really had to stop doing that.

With more effort than it really should've taken, he dragged his eyes away and focused them on the clock, eyes widening when he realised he'd been in the choir room for nearly an hour now, and he hadn't thought about… _that_ for the entire time.

Kurt noticed him staring at the clock with something akin to shock, and smirked at him, leaning over to mutter in his ear; hot breath fanning against Sebastian's ear.

"Told you they were a good distraction." Sebastian turned to look at him, if only to get away from that distracting puff of air, only to find himself face to face with Kurt; noses touching and his vision filled completely with a startling vortex of colours; varying from aqua marines to mosses to cloud greys to even a hint of brown.

"Yeah. Yeah, they are."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

_**Sebastian**__ - Hey, princess._

_**Sebastian**__ - Princess._

_**Sebastian**__ - Oi, Kurt._

_**Sebastian**__ - Kurt._

_**Sebastian**__ - Poke._

_**Sebastian**__ - Kurt?_

_**Sebastian**__ - KURT_

_**Kurt**__ - Oh for the love of god, WHAT? And 'princess', really? Is that the best you could come up with?_

_**Sebastian**__ - Ah, here you are, princess. You're alive._

_**Kurt**__ - Yes, isn't it just wonderful. And I say again; 'princess'?_

_**Sebastian**__ - What? It fits._

_**Kurt**__ - It does NOT_

_**Sebastian**__ - Touchy?_

_**Kurt**__ - As a matter of fact yes. You wouldn't want to have a royal pet name if you'd been voted junior prom queen either._

_**Sebastian**__ - Wait, what? Prom *queen*?_

_**Kurt**__ - Yes, *queen*. May I present McKinley High's student body's great idea of an anonymous display of not only homophobia but also incredibly low intelligence levels._

_**Sebastian**__ - Jeez, that… that sucks. Sorry._

Kurt let out a shocked breath at that, thumbs pausing in their rapid movement for a moment as he tried to think how to respond.

_**Kurt**__ - Thank you. So what did you want?_

_**Sebastian**__ - Oh, I'm in French. And I'm bored._

_**Kurt**__ - You sent me seven texts because you're bored._

_**Sebastian**__ - Yes._

_**Kurt**__ - Right. Why… I'm not even surprised._

_**Sebastian**__ - ;)_

_**Kurt**__ - Oh, no. You did not just send me a winky smiley face, Sebastian Smythe._

_**Sebastian**__ - ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)_

_**Kurt**__ - Oh my god. What are you, a thirteen year old girl?_

_**Sebastian**__ - ;)_

_**Kurt**__ - You really are bored, aren't you. _

_**Sebastian**__ - Kurt, it's French. FRENCH._

_**Kurt**__ - French is interesting. Go learn something._

_**Sebastian**__ - Not if you're already fluent it's not._

_**Kurt**__ - You're fluent?_

_**Sebastian**__ - I lived in Paris._

Sebastian briefly looked up from where his phone was hidden in his folder, on top of his already completed work, as he answered the teacher's question with an ease that had most of his fellow classmates groaning with envy. When he looked back down to his screen to find that Kurt still hadn't replied even five minutes later, he sent off another message, smirk alighting on his face once more.

_**Sebastian**__ - Are you dead?_

_**Kurt**__ - Oh. My. God. I might actually throttle you. You lived in PARIS._

_**Sebastian**__ - Yes, I did. So what?_

_**Kurt**__ - You lived in one of the most beautiful cities in the WORLD, in the fashion capitol, in France, in the home of fashion and beauty and love and romance and. Cheese. And fashion. And wine. And almost *everything* that is perfect in life? And did I mention the FASHION?_

_**Sebastian**__ - Ah. Jealous?_

_**Kurt**__ - It's where Moulin Rouge is set. And Ratatouille._

_**Sebastian**__ - Now who's a thirteen year old girl?_

_**Kurt**__ - And the Eiffel Tower. And the __Arc d'Triomphe__. And oh my god._

_**Sebastian**__ - You're basically incoherent right now aren't you_

_**Kurt**__ - Sebastian. It is the home of croissants. _

_**Sebastian**__ - It is indeed the home of croissants._

_**Kurt**__ - Oh my god I am so jealous of you right now. _

_**Sebastian**__- C'est la vie._ (That's life.)

_**Kurt**__ - __La vie est très injuste, si Sebastian à pu vivre a la Paris, quand J'étais a Lima. _(Life is very unfair, if Sebastian was able to live in Paris, when I was in Lima.)

_**Sebastian**__ - Tu a parle la français? _(You speak French?)

_**Kurt**__ - J'adore la mode, naturellement je peux parler français, idiote. _(I love fashion, naturally I can speak French, idiot.)

_**Sebastian **__- I stand impressed, Mr Hummel._

_**Kurt**__ - Why thank you, Mr Smythe._

_**Kurt**__ - And Ratatouille is a beautiful film._

_**Sebastian**__ - Thirteen year old girl…_

_**Kurt**__ - Hey, you recognised it._

_**Sebastian**__ - Touché. _

* * *

Sebastian thought it would get better.

He thought he would be able to shut the lid on the whole thing again, go back to his mindless trickery to take his mind off it, maybe win Regionals, and everything would go back to normal.

But it didn't get better.

He couldn't stop the nightmares, couldn't stop the flashes of memories, couldn't even stop the tears sometimes. He'd lost count of the number of times he had sat, sweat soaked sheets twisted around him, tears slipping down his cheeks and gripping his phone so hard the plastic creaked, staring at Kurt's number on the dull screen.

Mostly, it was enough. Enough to just sit, desperately staring at the number and the name and remembering what they meant; the knowledge that he _could_ call if he needed to enough to calm him down.

And sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes he had to go and reread their conversations, drinking in the insults and jibes until the tears stopped falling and his breathing evened out enough for him to attempt sleep once more.

He hadn't actually called Kurt again yet. It hadn't gotten to that point, but Sebastian was slipping, he knew he was, as more nights passed where he had to reread the texts, more nights where he could _not stop crying_, more nights where he didn't sleep at all.

Sebastian was teetering. He was right on the edge of completely losing control, and he had no idea how to pull himself back; so he stayed there, not quite together but not quite in pieces, helplessly waiting to tip either one way or the other.

* * *

"Sebastian?" He jerked his head up to find Kurt standing by his table, cardboard cup clasped in his hands. Something in Kurt's expression tightened a little when he caught sight of Sebastian's face, but he didn't comment on it.

"Can I sit?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure." He shrugged, before reaching across the table to attempt to move some of his bounteous amounts of paper out of the way.

"How've you been?" Sebastian shrugged again, studiously avoiding Kurt's eyes. His gaze couldn't help flickering to the other boy's face when he heard him sigh heavily, and he was met with a slightly disapproving look.

"You haven't been sleeping well, have you?" Kurt asked, but it was more of a statement than a question; Sebastian could pretend all he liked but the bags under his eyes and the gauntness in his cheeks gave him away; no, no he hadn't been sleeping well at all.

"I… no. No, not really. Just… it won't _stop_." Kurt hummed sympathetically, hand reaching out before quickly retracting again; an odd expression crossing his face, but it felt as if a dam had broken inside Sebastian; his words flooding out all at once in their rush to be heard.

"I just keep replaying it all, over and over and over and over again and it won't stop, and I keep seeing him lying there in that hospital bed, all thin and his _eyes_, fuck, his eyes… Everyone's eyes, accusing and judging and I just feel helpless, I couldn't do anything and everyone knew it, and," he paused for breath, his burning eyes suddenly focusing on Kurt's shocked ones with startling intensity. "Did you know I was the one who found him? After… it was me." Kurt drew in a breath, his knuckles white from the strength with which he was gripping the table top with one hand, and his coffee with the other.

"He was just lying there… there was so much blood. I didn't know that a human body had so much… he was cold. Really, really cold." He murmured, finally sagging back in his chair and closing his eyes as he struggled not to let the images rise up again; squashing them down ruthlessly.

A hand gently clasped his own, and his eyes flashed open to find Kurt staring at him fiercely, coffee forgotten and hand grasping his with almost painful strength.

"It wasn't your fault." Sebastian stared at Kurt, expression softening.

"You don't kno-" he started; because he knew what Kurt was trying to say, but he didn't know what had happened, didn't know enough to realise that it _was_ Sebastian's fault, but Kurt didn't let him finish.

"I don't care what you think. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I don't care what happened, _it wasn't your fault_. Okay? It wasn't. And Karofsky's attempt isn't your fault either. It doesn't matter what you said, or what you did, I know it wasn't your fault." Sebastian stared at him, mouth slightly open, and Kurt gazed back steadily.

"Karofsky told me what you said to him." Sebastian flinched, and tried to pull his hand away, but Kurt was relentless; tightening his grip and plunging on. "And it wasn't your fault. Anything you did you have more than apologised for, Sebastian. Karofsky tried to kill himself because he felt trapped, and alone, because of the people at his school, and because… because of me. More than anyone, it was _my _fault." Kurt sighed, as a frown creased Sebastian's forehead.

"What? No, how could it have been your fault?" He had to clear his throat a few times before the words would come, and something in his stomach twisted at the half-smile Kurt gave him.

"He tried to phone me. So many times… and I ignored him. I ignored him because I thought he was just being persistent… he asked me out on Valentine's day, and I rejected him, and I thought it would be easier for him to get over me if I didn't talk to him… and all the while, he _needed_ me, he needed me to talk to. And I _ignored_ him, Sebastian. And I feel… so, so horrible and guilty about that. But you know what?" Kurt gave a slightly strangled sounding chuckle, shaking his head as Sebastian watched the play of emotions in his eyes, wondering if the repercussions of ignoring someone in need had had any effect on Kurt's decision to be there for him this time around.

"He forgave me, Bastian. He forgave me for it, and I will never stop feeling guilty for it, but I will not let that guilt consume me. Because it won't help him, won't help anybody, because he forgave me. And whatever the reason is that you think Christian's death was your fault, it wasn't. And he would forgive you for it too, I know he would." Sebastian stared at Kurt, breathing raggedly as he tried not to cry. He was crying a lot these days.

_God, how the mighty have fallen._ He thought to himself bitterly as he dropped his gaze, swallowing.

"You don't know that." He whispered, and Kurt clenched his hand tighter.

"Yes I do." Kurt answered dismissively, reaching for his coffee but still not letting go of Sebastian's hand.

"How?" He asked, looking up with a frown to find Kurt smirking at him, a challenge in his eyes.

"I know things."

"Uh huh."

"Yes. I'm physic. Did I not tell you?" He asked, smirk growing wider as Sebastian felt the corner of his mouth start to tug upwards in amusement.

"Must have slipped your mind."

"Huh, well. I am. So." They stared at each other for a few moments, before Sebastian snorted, and then both of them were laughing; hands slipping apart naturally in their mirth.

Sebastian felt a little better once he could breath past his chuckles; like a little bit of the weight had been lifted. It was not gone, not by any means, but it was a little lighter; lighter enough that the world looked a little brighter, there in that quiet coffee shop in the middle of Lima, Ohio.

* * *

Sebastian let out a muffled groan into his pillow. Blearily, he raised his head, blinking sleepily at his phone on his bedside table, where it had stopped buzzing, but a flashing blue light told him he had a new message.

Groaning again, he reached for it, burrowing back into his pillow with the device cupped in his hands as he yawned, opening up the new message without looking at the sender.

_**Kurt**__ - If convenient, come to the Lima Bean, asap._ Sebastian stared at it, frowning, but before he could compose a reply it vibrated in his hands again.

_**Kurt**__ - If inconvenient, come anyway. _Sebastian snorted at that, more awake by the second, and shifted into a sitting position as he replied.

_**Sebastian**__ - Nice Sherlock reference._

_**Kurt**__ - Thank you. I was rather proud of it._

_**Sebastian**__ - I can tell :P_

_**Kurt**__ - More emoticons, really? Anyway, are you coming?_

_**Sebastian**__ - Give me 20 mins. ;P_

* * *

"So what is it that was so impossibly urgent that you had to drag me out of bed with Sherlock references? If it isn't to do with them moving up the filming for the next season, then I don't really care." Kurt snorted, handing him a coffee, which Sebastian took eagerly.

"No, unfortunately filming is still supposed to start in 2013. I didn't know you watched the BBC version." He commented, while Sebastian nodded the affirmative, still cradling the warmth of his cup.

"Well, I've seen the Robert Downey Jr. version, but... come on, have you seen Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones?" Kurt laughed, shaking his head.

"Yes, yes I have. Both are good and both of them are attractive, to be honest, but I like the BBC version; it's the most different."

"And cleverest. And funniest. And wittiest."

"Isn't witty just a combination of clever and funny?" Kurt asked with a frown, and Sebastian flapped a hand at him, taking another gulp of caffeine.

"Well, extra doses of both."

"True." They sat in silence for a few moments, before Sebastian suddenly remembered why he'd been called there. Or rather, he remembered that he didn't _know_ why he'd been called there, because he seriously doubted it was just to discuss Sherlock Holmes adaptations.

"So why am I here?" Kurt appraised him thoughtfully for a few moments, clearly thinking about something, but Sebastian didn't push him; draining his cup while he waited.

"I wanted you to meet someone again." Sebastian stiffened, lowering his cup and staring at Kurt suspiciously, but the other boy had already turned around to signal to someone. He froze up completely when he recognised who was approaching their table; barely breathing as he watched Kurt greet them with a hug and a smile, pulling out a chair for them.

David Karofsky.

Kurt had turned back to him, was watching his face with nervous anticipation displayed clearly on his face, and Sebastian gazed back desperately, unable to look at the man to his left, trying to convey to Kurt that _he couldn't do this, he couldn't do it, please don't make me do this please._

"Sebastian?" Sebastian shook slightly, but Kurt was still watching him; expression softened into one of firm belief; his own eyes silently conveying the words;_ I believe in you._

He inhaled sharply through his nose, before meeting Karo-_David_'s gaze, shakily.

"I…hi." Was all he settled for, and David nodded at him, smiling gently and merely appraising him with calm eyes… there wasn't any accusation in them. At least not yet.

"Hey." Sebastian swallowed dryly, tracing his eyes over David's face. The boy looked tired and pale, but… alive. He was alive. The lingering purplish patches peeking over the edge of his collar reminded Sebastian of that.

"Look, about the other night… I… I'm sorry." Sebastian stammered, cursing himself for his lack of eloquence. Where were his words when he needed them?

David looked startled, before he nodded again.

"It's fine."

"No, no it's _not_ fine." He blurted, and _oh_, there were his words, tumbling over each other now; "It's not fine. You nearly… because of me, you nearly…" He couldn't say it, but the words didn't stop; both Kurt and David's eyes wide and fixed on him. "I was having a bad day, and feeling majorly cock-blocked by gay face here, and- wait, no, I didn't mean to call you that, I just… fuck, my words aren't working." He huffed out another laugh as language failed him yet again, bringing up a hand to scrub over his face while he tried to order his thoughts.

"One day, Sebastian Smythe, I will make you buy me a very expensive designer coat to make up for all the gay face comments." Kurt stated, raising his eyebrow in a distinctly unimpressed look which had David chuckling, before Kurt stood.

"I'm just going to go get a refill." He gestured with his half-empty cup, while Sebastian stared at him, frozen and silently half-begging Kurt not to leave him, but Kurt went, leaving Sebastian and David alone.

"Um." Sebastian coughed, scrubbing a hand over his hair again - it was pretty much ruined by this point anyway - and looked down at the coffee stained surface of the table.

"Hey, Sebastian… it really is fine. And don't flatter yourself, I didn't… I didn't try to… not because of you. It contributed, yeah, but it was more like… a build up, you know? Kurt said you were blaming yourself and… that's stupid." Sebastian raised his head once more, appraising David carefully, mind flicking through the words and evaluating their meanings.

"I… I'm still sorry." David nodded, his own gaze dropping awkwardly.

"Uh, well… thank you." He murmured, but Sebastian shook his head.

"No, I should be the one… I really am sorry, David." David jumped a little at the use of his name, but smiled a little.

"Sebastian, really, it's… I accept your apology? Is that the right phrase?" David frowned, breaking off to look at Sebastian questioningly.

"Do I look like someone who's up to date on proper apologising etiquette?" Sebastian asked blankly, earning himself a small chuckle from David.

"Look, I'm still… recovering. It's probably gonna take a while. But I think that I'll be okay, and you… I don't know what's going on with you, man, but you look like you've got your own shit to sort out. So don't beat yourself up for it. God knows I've done worse." David shook his head, a self-deprecating look that Sebastian recognised instantly, if only because he'd spent so long training himself not to wear it.

"Wait, worse?" The question slipped out before he could stop it, and David seemed to almost fold in on himself, his gaze fixed on where his hands were loosely cupping his drink.

"Kurt hasn't told you? I used to bully him. Badly. Like… slushies, shoving him into lockers, pushing him around…" Sebastian was silent as David trailed off, struggling with an entirely new emotion he _really_ hadn't been expecting, out of the wide range of feelings that he'd suddenly been reintroduced to recently.

Rage.

Protective rage.

The idea that Kurt had been treated like that, the images that flashed through his mind at David's words, had suddenly and irrationally made him _angry_. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to get Kurt out of there, make him come back to Dalton where things like that didn't happen.

He took a deep breath, trying to control himself, and suddenly realised that David was still speaking.

"He doesn't show it, you know? He's so much stronger than I am." He said softly. Sebastian stared at him. "He doesn't show it, but… look after him, yeah? I don't… I don't know if Blaine already does that or not, and I guess he's got his brothers… but he needs people on his side. So look after him?" Sebastian blinked, and cleared his throat slightly.

"I… yeah." David nodded, apparently satisfied, and glanced at his watch.

"I should be going. Say bye to Kurt for me?" Sebastian nodded wordlessly, and continued gazing at the door to the Lima Bean long after David had disappeared through it.

"Feel better?" Sebastian jumped, slamming his knee on the table and biting back a swear as his eyes returned to the table to find Kurt sitting there, hands curled around his drink and gazing back expectantly.

"I…" He blinked, trailing off as he thought about it. "Yeah. Yeah actually." Kurt smirked, and Sebastian, feeling better and more like his usual bastard-y self than he had for a while, scoffed back at him.

"Oh shut it, Hummel, just because you were right this time doesn't mean it's a recurring thing."

"You keep telling yourself that, Sebastian. Whatever helps you sleep at night." He jibed back, but his eyes were soft. Sebastian let himself smile at him, before the conversation turned to Sherlock adaptations and whether John and Sherlock would be hotter than Moriarty and Sherlock, an argument that Sebastian would never admit to losing, even if he couldn't stop grinning the whole time.

* * *

**Hey everybody! I realise I haven't really said HI to you guys on , mainly because the other chapters had already been written. This chapter was a while in coming, basically because however reluctant Sebastian seems in this to talk to David? He was like ten times more stubborn when I was trying to write it. -.-' (pfft, control over my characters? You're kidding right, that doesn't happen)**

**So anyway, sorry it was a long time coming, but I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all the reviewers, story alerters and favouriters; you guys are awesome, THANK YOU SO MUCH XD I really appreciate every single one of you, so thank you! If any of you have any questions about the story, update time etc or just want to say hi, then review, or come talk to me on tumblr, where I'm 'living-in-a-mindpalace . tumblr . com' (just take out them spaces and apostrophes) or send me a PM :)**

**Hope you enjoyed, and please review! XD**


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